Intros start with names, so mine is CJ or - as I generally prefer - Siege. I've had it for the past 10 years, which is about as long as I've had this domain.

This site probably looks empty to any casual bypassers, but I assure you there is a veritable graveyard of failures just below the surface, out of view. I've tried to use this place as a repository for... well, my creativity. I've had dreams and passions and pretty much everything else, and I've abandoned them or gotten discouraged or just stopped for a variety of reasons. I take years' long breaks from doing what I want to do.

Perhaps, whenever I get bored or inspired enough, I'll go into more details. But this is an intro and I don't have time or space for that. I tend to talk too much, anyway, and no one needs that.

So go back to Baby Siege: I discovered I wanted to be an author when I was about 13. I had a path planned out to be a college professor or high school teacher, spending my dayjob doing something else I really enjoyed doing - basically teaching (any other way I try to say it like "sharing knowledge" makes it sound pretentious) - and writing stories during office hours or whatever else. That didn't come to pass for a variety of reasons.

Skimming over a lot of things, I'm much better at mathematics, sciences, and logic-adjacent stuff than I am at any kind of humanities. And perhaps one day, once again if bored or inspired, I can explore the pain of being good at something you find utterly boring and being bad at your passion. So I got a degree in an engineering I don't really care about, a job or career in tech largely working with data, code, and reporting, and the only outlet I have for the things I really want to spend my time on was tabletop roleplaying (think: Dungeons and Dragons). I'm kind of a problem player, and not a very good Game Master, so most of that has gone to the wayside for the sake of my friends.

Anyway, the tagline of this site has always been one of the most meaningful quotes I've come across. From Granny Weatherwax in Equal Rites - the third Discworld novel by Sir Terry Pratchett*: "If a Thing's Worth Doing, It's Worth Doing Badly."

My thoughts on the matter - which could fill an entire essay which, once again boredom or inspiration will surely strike to expand on - are that if the only reason you're doing a thing is because you're good at it, you're out there seeking acclaim or a pat on the back or something. If you're doing something despite being utterly shit at it, that you treasure the outcome even as your soul cries at the objective quality, it was something you really wanted to do. You powered through despite the entire world and reality telling you it wasn't worth it, and I think there's a very special beauty in that.

I apply this to everything in my life - to loving the amateurish attempts at beginners at anything creative, to the rookie mistakes of more analytical fields - be it games or professionally. And I get rewarded a lot of the time by watching them grow into a skill that they work hard to hone.

But I never apply it to myself.

I doubt that's going to change now - I have an issue with motivation in general and very likely have undiagnosed depression or bipolar disorder. But I am forcing myself to do things I'm uncomfortable with, because the tiny little Brain Siege that makes decisions is forcing the Meat Siege that actually does things to work toward making some kind of meaning in their life.

A new post will be coming up soon, ideally today, explaining my first (new) foray.

A few notes before I sign off:

When I said doing something solely because you're good at it is just an attempt at getting some kind of accolade, I don't want anyone thinking that they're a bad person because they do things they're good at. There are a lot of reasons to focus on things you're good at - from actually enjoying them, to wanting to help others, to being able to make money, to just because you want to.
I am non-binary and asexual, and likely aromantic as well. If any of these things are issues for you, fuck off. Bigotry sucks (especially when it's being targeted toward me), and I'm not going to deal with it.
I'm a cynical, sarcastic bitch - I find giving tells to my jokes to somewhat ruin them. This is a problem in a text-only medium. As an example, the parenthetical above is a joke: Bigotry sucks regardless of who it's targeted towards.

*This quote is not originally from Sir Terry Pratchett. He stole it from G. K. Chesterton. I learned this when I used this quote in an essay in a public speaking course. I also learned that another quote I used from Sir Terry Pratchett - "A lie can run around the world before the Truth can get its boots on." - was also paraphrased from... Sir Winston Churchill. I am American, which means I have no knowledge of history or culture or other nations, don't blame me.